Work

My patient died today. Not too common in this unit really but it was a little different for me. I usually love the rush of a code and whenever we get someone back it feels good. Whenever we loose someone its sad but I always feel like we did all we could. Today I felt like we did too much. The women had been asystole without a pressure for 12 minutes and they were trying to put an ECHMO system in her. We were pushing Epi and Atropine every 2 minutes and had Vasopressin, Dobutamine, Epinephrine and Bicarb drips running wide open. We opened the chest at the bed side and were doing internal cardiac message and still were getting no pressure. No perfussion to any organ for 20 minutes, coding for 8 hours, 5 liters positive, bleeding from every tube and opening, mottled from head to toe and the attendings wanted to put a $10,000 pump in this womens already ischemic leg. There was a point that I actually prayed for the women's sake that the doc's would just give up. I prayed for her death. I am not sure what I think of that right now but these doctor's who try to be God didn't want to see the picture. They kept pushing and she had already gone, she wasn't coming back. I have to give it to them...they really wanted to save her but when its time, it's time. I found myself tired of this line of work. I don't want to see any more people die. I don't want to have to console another grieving loved one. I don't want to tag any more toes. I'm tired...