Merry Christmas

Well, here I am sitting at work on Christmas day. I got a few minutes to sit and check e-mail and the like. My family called me 3 times today so far to wish me a Merry Christmas. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful family. This, I believe, is the first Christmas that any of us have been absent. Mark has missed a couple of Thanksgivings but I don't think he ever missed a Christmas.

Anyway, I have been pensive as of late about things going on in my life. I have had a lot to think about.

I am super bummed. I have to work on Christmas. I knew that I would but sometimes there is the potential to be on call. This year there are too many sick people. I told my parents to pray that I get off. God would have to work a miracle to do it. I know that he could I guess its a matter of if that is what he wants. Well I will spend Christmas Eve with Horizon Towson and then go home and sleep for the rest of the night. Then Christmas I will be right back here in the good ole' CT-ICU.
I guess I should count my blessings. Ben's family is going to be spending Christmas in the hospital too but it's becasue his dad is really sick. I prayed alot for him and Christina last night. I pray for Mr. Ogdens health as well. I guess I need to realize that all of the sick people that I am careing for don't get to go home either. How selfish of me! There are people who don't even have a family to go home to.
Well, I shall come to work tomorrow with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step! Maybe I will blog alittle more tomorrow.

Horizon Christmas Party

Last night was Horizon's Christmas Party. It was so fun. I had the best time seeing everyone from Owings Mills who I havent' seen in forever. I miss all you guys. I also got to see my big bro and his sassy family. My neices and nephew are the cutest ever and just about the only kids I can tolerate for any length of time.
I met some new people from Owings Mills that Clay swears are really cool. I suppose I can trust him on that and I thought they were as well.
After a bunch of people left there was some serious dancing going on. My brother and I got to swing dance and that was awesome. I really got in the Christmas Spirit.
It is so amazing that the Holidays brings people out of the wood work. At that party I had people from my past and from my present. All of them knowing a little bit about me and me knowing a little part of them. All of us going through change and growth. It is exciteing to think of how I met all of those people. Some time in my life God crossed our paths and we spent (or are spending )a little part of life together. Who knows...maybe one or a few of those people will be in my future. I will be able tolook back at that party and remember when we met.
Huh! ***mouth open and hand on chin she continues to ponder***

Work

My patient died today. Not too common in this unit really but it was a little different for me. I usually love the rush of a code and whenever we get someone back it feels good. Whenever we loose someone its sad but I always feel like we did all we could. Today I felt like we did too much. The women had been asystole without a pressure for 12 minutes and they were trying to put an ECHMO system in her. We were pushing Epi and Atropine every 2 minutes and had Vasopressin, Dobutamine, Epinephrine and Bicarb drips running wide open. We opened the chest at the bed side and were doing internal cardiac message and still were getting no pressure. No perfussion to any organ for 20 minutes, coding for 8 hours, 5 liters positive, bleeding from every tube and opening, mottled from head to toe and the attendings wanted to put a $10,000 pump in this womens already ischemic leg. There was a point that I actually prayed for the women's sake that the doc's would just give up. I prayed for her death. I am not sure what I think of that right now but these doctor's who try to be God didn't want to see the picture. They kept pushing and she had already gone, she wasn't coming back. I have to give it to them...they really wanted to save her but when its time, it's time. I found myself tired of this line of work. I don't want to see any more people die. I don't want to have to console another grieving loved one. I don't want to tag any more toes. I'm tired...