Freak

So, I have been thinking a little about something that my bro said in his message on sunday. He was talking on Acts 10. He went into the story of Cornellius and how Peter was told by God to "get up" and go spread the Gospel to the Gentiles. Through this story, Mark asked "who is the gospel for?" He helped us to see how the Gospel is for all of us, no matter how much of freaks we are. He told us to face the fact that all of us are alittle weird...have a little freak in us. I thought about this point for a while. Alot of people might not think of me as a freak or weird. It has been said that I have a high level of social intellegence, for whatever that is worth. However, I think I scare people sometimes. I have noticed, from time-to-time, whenever I am trying to make people welcome I am in actuality making them feel uncomfortable. I will, in an effort to create small talk, say something weird or dumb. I usually can sense when this happens and I back off, but i wish I could stop it before it happens. There is alot to be said for holding the tongue and seeking a spirit of wisdom. However, it is hard to break the ice if you are constently holding your tongue. I guess the small talk is in love in an effort to try to get to know the person but I find it hard to balance the two. "Father, I pray for wisdom and discernment in the things I say. Help me to approach new-comers to Horizon in love and gentleness. Help them to see You in me and I acknowledge that it is by Your Spirit that people continue to come back to Horizon, not my choice of words. May all I say and do be for Your glory and Your glory alone. Amen

Growth

It is amazing how much we grow in the midst of things that are a struggle for us. When things get tough and we perservere God always teaches us so much. I have had some tough times in relationships with friends of mine. I have had to deal with some pretty sensitive issues and had to say some pretty hard things. The Father has allowed me the oppurtunity to swim my way through some tough times with people very close to me. This is interesting because through some recent events I have had a real peace about Gods provision on those situations. He has directed me to respond in wisdom and has shown me how to love in the midst of hurt. I continue to try and have healthy relationships with those I am close with but it isn't easy. I guess God never promised that it would be. Additionally, I am in awe of how he continues to provide for me in my relationships and how he has continued to grow me. I hurt, I cry but I learn and I grow. I guess He also never promised growth wouldn't hurt. Well, if the result of these painful events in life is growth...I say "bring it on!". May our Lord and Father see all the glory from it.

Silence

Well, I just got back from dropping my friend Beth Ann off at her school in Lynchburg. I am going to miss her a bunch. It was a good time. I got to hang with her and her family. I was truly blessed this summer to get to know her. I can't wait till she moves back.
I drove the entire 4.5 hours down to Lynchburg in silence. It was the most sprirtual time I have had in a while. No music or radio. I started the trip with about 30 minutes of bible on CD and the rest of the trip I spent in silence. It is amazing how our Lord takes oppurtunities like that to speak to us. He helped me to come to some pretty cool conclusions about my life. I love it when he does that. I need to spend more time in quite just listening to him. I gain so much. I think of Elijah and his time alone. God prepared him for major events and spoke to him in a time of silence. I shall stop more often and quite myself. What amazing thoughts and ideas await me. Until then.

Later

Dying

Someone died today at work. Its really amazing how after being a nurse for only 3.5 years that I could become so cold to the concept of a loved-one dying. Of course these people are not my loved-ones but they are someones. I experience death about twice a week working in the CT-ICU. People who are further along in age than I am die of heart disease and other gerontologically induced diseases and it just gets to be part of the job. They pass, I comfort the best I know how, we pull out lines and tubes, tie their hands feet and jaw, put them in a big white bag (after the family has left of course) and send there family home with a "grief packet" and a box of tissues. Of course we are as accomidating as possible and we allow them as much time as they need with there family member but something seems so sterile and void about the whole process. There are legal, political and policy issues involved so we have to follow proceedure but through all the documentation, the organ donation and legal mumbo-jumbo the heart and soul of the deceased gets lost. I often wonder if the passed knew my Lord, Jesus or if the family does. Therapeutic communication warrants my refraining from teling them about Him and sticking to the post-mortem protocol. That protocol being: ask if they want to see a chaplain, if they don't drop the subject and give emotional support. I guess there is a time and a place for everything and I know that if the Lord would have me talk with them about Him, he would open the door to that oppurtunity. Anyway, I have never experienced death of a close loved-one. I count my blessings, that is for sure, but I can not really relate. I have a friend who used to be a chaplain and he had so much pain in his own life that he empathized with every family he worked with. He got so drained and his life view changed to seeing the world as a world in pain. He never saw the joy in things and he suffered in his own past of pain because of it. I could never do that I would surely have a mental breakdown. I guess there is something to be said for cold sterile proceedure. It protects the heart.

I swore I would never...

Well, I have a blog...Wierd. I swore that I would never have a blog but here I am. So, why the change? Well, I used to think that keeping a blog was kind of like stripping naked, taking pictures and posting the pictures on-line. Thus is my reason for avoiding this little adventure. Putting my personal thoughts out in cyberspace for anyone to read is a very vulnerable thing to do especially for someone like myself who has a tendency to be closed. Anyway, there are a couple of reasons that brought me to feel more comfortable with the idea. The community of Horizon has been exploring the concept of risk lately and I, like many in this church, have decided that I need to be willing to take more risks. Not risk for risk's sake but for the furthering of the kingdom. Not sure how God will use this yet but we shall see. I also have been reading the blogs of those close to me and I have truly enjoyed them. I have learned so much about my brother Mark, Horizon planters Dave and Clay , my beautiful friend Beth Ann and my linkgroup partner in crime, Dave. I guess I can add alittle nonsense to the mix. Mostly, I guess I am trying to be more open and I want the people I love to hear whats in my head. I have no problem saying alot of things but it always sounds better when I write it down. So starts my adventure into the world of blogging and I hope my boring thoughts put you all to sleep.